The Inner Head

A note about magic and science

Many modern day ‘scientists’ look down on the mystical world, and tell us that Magic is unscientific. Such insults fall on deaf ears, though, as we know for a fact that Science is unmagical. There are no scientific spells, are there? There are no experiments where an incantation will produce better results. Scientists don’t ever decorate their laboratories with paper cutouts of witches on broomsticks to make their science work better. They don’t even use wands during their ‘science tests’.

Perhaps the negative attitude we get from scientists stems from jealousy at the quick results we get from very little effort. For a scientist, turning lead into gold can take days, while witches can turn lead into gold and back so quickly that it can be hard to tell it’s even happened.

Science is not as reliable as it would have you believe. The history of science is a story repeatable tests proving a fact, then a few hundred years later different tests showing it to be wrong. How can something be true and then not be true? It doesn’t make any sense (except in dowsing when it does). The history of magic isn’t so whimsical ­­­­– we still believe the same things as people did thousands of years ago. Magic stands the test of time – it works as well today as it did all those years ago.

 A scientist once approached us in the street while we were casting a traffic light spell.

“If magic works, then why aren’t there any machines that use magic?”, she said. We didn’t even have to think about it. “There are machines that use magic,” we replied, “The photocopier and the laser printer”. 

Hidden Worlds #2: The Mirror Universe

There is a second universe hidden inside our own, a universe that can be glimpsed in all reflective surfaces: the Mirror Universe. Much more than simply a mirror image of our universe, this entire world exists for the benefit of our vanity.

There is no unemployment in the Mirror Universe, because every resident has a full-time job as the reflection of a person in our realm. Their homes contain stage backdrops for the most common scenarios we are likely to end up in (usually parts of bathrooms and bedrooms) and an arrangement of props, make-up to show sickness or lack of sleep, hair styling equipment and thousands of budgerigars. Feathery, soapy and sticky, the Mirror Universe is not necessarily somewhere you would want to visit, but it’s important to set aside the terrible conditions of their existence and keep in mind the many people in our own universe who have no job at all. 

During working hours, the Mirror People must ensure they appear every time one of us looks in the mirror to avoid breaking the illusion, revealing their existence, and ultimately sending hoards of unwanted right-way-round tourists to their unspoilt world, where they will traipse mud through all the bathrooms and bedrooms.

Like everyone, Mirror People have off-days. They sometimes fall ill, or grow tired of their relentless life of facial mimicry and leave to get jobs as echoes. Even the best Mirror People can struggle to match our faces perfectly – they are skilled lighting technicians but those details can be hard to get right in a chamber at the centre of the Earth, where they live. All of which explains why our reflections often look nothing like we do. You have probably photographed yourself in a mirror to find that the reflection looks like a totally different person. The reason is that it is a different person. Similarly the reflection of your bathroom in the mirror often looks a bit fake, as if it were actually a painting on a bed sheet. That is probably what happened.

The Mirror Universe has twice as many people as our universe, which allows them to always have someone on duty as a reflection. This is why your nighttime reflection differs to your daytime reflection, and why on Bank Holidays no one has any reflection at all.

The ancient superstition of covering mirrors when a person in our realm dies, is done to indicate to the dead person’s reflection that they can take a break from their exhausting job. If mirrors aren’t covered then the reflection would continue appearing without the deceased person being there, causing everyone unnecessary distress. 

Knowing the truth about your reflection shouldn’t affect how you use mirrors. Standing naked in front of someone who is actually a complete stranger in a completely different universe might feel a bit unusual, but is perfectly natural when you think about it. The fact that they might have a disconcerting lustful smile on their face is just part of life. As they are different people altogether, we have found it useful to photograph them naked and use the pictures in our much talked-about public presentations about the Mirror People.

Coincidence and luck

Coincidences are the most powerful forces in the universe. Never underestimate the degree to which we depend on them for basic survival in our day to day lives. It is coincidence that holds the stars in the sky and makes the sun rise every morning. The petrol engine, the water cycle and suspension bridges – none of these could possibly work without the wonderful force of coincidence. Many people don’t realise that twins aren’t a natural phenomena - most have very little genetic material in common. They are simply startling evidence of the power of coincidence.

You may be thinking “What about gravity? Surely that is a scientific law?” No. This one of the greatest coincidences of all. There is no gravity ‘rule’. The authors of this blog are aware of someone who has seen things fall upwards so there is clearly no hard and fast rule about it.

Just as there are coincidences, there are also ‘opposite coincidences’. These are still coincidences, but ones that work backwards. Take tossing a coin for example. If you toss a coin 10 times, and each times it lands heads then it is a coincidence. If toss it 10 times, and it lands heads and tails in equal amounts, then that is an opposite coincidence.

A few notes on luck

• A wishing well might look like an easy way for the owner of a tourist attraction to avoid tax, but in fact wishing wells are the best source of luck there is. They are like foreign exchange booths without the fee. If you throw in a coin you will get the exact value back in good fortune. The fact that you are getting the chance of something good happening is lucky in itself, so you should be pleased even if you don’t see any real results.
   

• Religious people are extremely lucky. If you can rub yourself against one as they come of the church then it will bring you no end of good luck. This is especially true when they are at their most potent at weddings, funerals and immediately after dying. Just watching as much as you can bear of “Songs of Praise” will bring you good fortune.
   

• Everyone knows how lucky it is for a bird to mess in your mouth. Therefore it only follows that it’s extremely lucky to roll around in fresh bird mess too. Visit a chicken farm and ask if you can take a dip in their slurry pit. Don’t worry about drowning - the huge amounts of luck will slightly raise the odds of your survival.
   

• The number thirteen is extremely unlucky to the extent that many hotels don’t have a thirteenth floor, renaming it the fourteenth floor, but this doesn’t solve the problem as it is still technically the thirteenth floor. Anyone who stays in any of the rooms will have their entire lives permanently affected for the worse. In the US and other countries they count the ground floor as the first floor, while in the UK we count their second floor as our first floor. Bad luck and misfortune don’t take this into account, so when it comes to floors, twelve and thirteen are both cursed.

 

Hidden Worlds #1: The Lost City of Swindon

 This fabled town had numerous legendary roundabouts, guarded by evil gate masters who smote anyone who violated traffic laws. One night in June 2010 the town disappeared completely, along with almost every trace of its existence. All maps of the area instantly became blank, and all signposts mentioning it turned into twisted ash trees. The memories of anyone who ever visited or heard of it became permanently erased. The only record of its existence – which is how we know of it – comes from a later addition to the Bayeaux tapestry woven in by a madman whose brain was unaffected by these mystical powers. The so-called Swindon Tapestry Addition is an unlikely masterpiece which conveys in just one small picture, enough to prove Swindon’s existence and its complicated traffic system. 

It is not known exactly where Swindon was located, but some believe a hundred acre forest in Wiltshire consisting of hundreds of intersecting circles of trees marks the spot. Of course this is impossible to confirm as there are no convenient places to park a car on the roads nearby. Even if there were, there are no records of any footpaths, so venturing into the forest would be trespass. We will not break the law of this country through trespass, just to satisfy our curious minds. 

Where Swindon went to we might never know. Every night we stare out of our window in the hope of catching a glimpse of the stars behind the clouds, wondering if we’ll see Swindon up there in the sky. So far our search as been in vain, but then we’re not really sure what we’re looking for.

Mystical body language #1 

Guessing someone’s thoughts and desires through their external expression can be an extremely simple and rewarding way of getting spiritually closer to attractive strangers. Mirror their body perfectly at all times, don’t let them see you blink, and never let them finish a sentence, and you’ll find your target subconsciously trusts you with their life, in a matter of minutes. 

Did you know that a person whose arms are folded wants you to carry on talking to them for as long as possible? The folded arms represent the Lemniscate – or infinity sign – where one arm is you and the other arm is them, and the two of you are entwined forever in an eternal conversation about you. You might feel self-conscious at first, but remember the signals are rarely wrong: with every childhood anecdote you can dredge up you will be delighting them more.

Mystics can easily deduce the need to go to the toilet in a stranger by the telepathic reading of minds, but sometimes it’s less trouble to observe body language instead. If you find yourself talking to someone in a nightclub who keeps taking small steps away from you, they almost certainly need to go. Helpfully take them by the arm and lead them into a toilet cubicle.

Pay attention to handshakes. A handshake tells you everything there is to know about someone to the extent that, after shaking hands with someone, there is no point in ever speaking to them again. You will know everything they will ever think, everything they have ever thought, and everything they will ever say. Obviously this can be overwhelming if you’re not used to it; for this reason try not to shake hands with anyone in important situations like business negotiations. Just clasp your hands tightly behind your back and look at their outstretched hand until it drops away.

It can be difficult to shake hands with people at times. Maybe the general wetness of your hands, your work as a farm vet or your concealed buzzer puts people off. What if they want to kiss you hello? Nothing can be learnt from a kiss, so it’s a good idea to carry a gherkin with you to plug their mouth if they try to come near you. It will take them a few moments to realise they’re kissing a gherkin rather than you, by which time you can safely be out the door with the key in the ignition.

If you see someone you want to know more about it’s essential to ensure you both shake hands as soon as possible. To create the most welcoming atmosphere, extend your hand as early as possible when you see your ‘target’. Keep an eye out for them as you approach their location. You may need to wind down a window to make room for your outstretched hand as you drive down the motorway behind them, en route to their office or partner’s home.

Here are the main types of handshake. They are mostly self-explanatory. Good luck!

·      The Moist Cup

·      The Hot Pepper Grinder

·      The Slug and Lettuce

·      The Over-Eager Teenage Boy

·      The Finger Gripper 

·      The Flush and Go

·      The Mason’s Arms

·      The Uncomfortable Surprise

·      The Air Kiss Handshake. In this handshake the participants don’t actually touch, but their hands move near to each other as if pretentiously miming a handshake. Each person quietly whispers the word ‘shake’ as they do this

·      The Magician’s Handshake. After this handshake each person will find a possession of the other person in their ear. 

·      The Dribbling End

·      The Furry Pump Handle

·      The Triple Hander. This is extremely rare. Report a triple hander to the authorities immediately if you can still speak afterwards.

Your body language: communicating honesty

With mystics reading our thoughts at all times, it can be hard to maintain secrecy. Often you may wish to perform spells without the subject knowing, and some level of deception is required. This absolutely isn’t the same as lying, which we don’t condone. This is different. The following tips will reduce your self-consciousness and increase your chances of success. 

·      If you can, it always helps to be more persuasive if you can change the pitch of your voice while you deliver untruths. Making your voice several tones higher, for example, can dramatically increase your chances of being believed.

·      Looking directly into the subject’s eyes can be unnerving and unconsciously you could give a lot away that you may not wish to. Try to remember to vary your gaze while you speak, looking from side to side or down, and avoiding their eye contact as much as possible.

·      Cover your mouth or if possible your whole face. It may help to turn your back to them. The less they can see of you the less they’ll be able to tell that anything’s different.

·      If you are asked the same question twice, give slightly different answers each time - the confusion will stop them suspecting anything.

Mystical Taxi Drivers

Taxi drivers may look human, but their brains are different to ours. In fact, we believe they are a separate species. Like pigeons, they have magnetic material deep inside their foreheads, which is why they were famously used to deliver messages during World War II.

You should always sit in the front of the taxi for several reasons. If you can make physical contact with the driver you can channel some of his or her ability into your own body. We recommend inserting a finger in their ear or placing your hand over their hand as they change gear.

Remember that the cssscchhhh sound emitted through the radio is the driver’s real voice. You can communicate with your driver by mimicking this sound, but be careful you don’t send them down the wrong road – you might increase the cost of your journey. 

Taxi drivers evolved in the days before taxis, when groups of puzzle enthusiasts used to meet at mystery country locations to do word searches, then found themselves too drunk to get home afterwards. None of them ever brought their pyjamas, so they had to invent the concept of taxis so they could go home and sleep instead of standing in a strange house with their eyes closed until the sun came up. 

Facts about taxi drivers

• For a taxi driver with a Christmas tree air fresheners, it is Christmas every day. Remember to say Happy Christmas to him and smear some brandy butter on the gear stick – he will instantly absorb it into his body. If he’s helped you to get things out of the boot, it’s a lovely gesture to leave mince pies or holly on his seat before you go.
• Crouch between his legs and sing to help his sense of direction.
• The most famous taxi driver is Santa Claus. He is not, however, a registered driver (he failed his CRB check) – so take extra care if you find yourself in his cab. You’ll know him by his distinctive red hat.
• The King of the taxi driver people is Memory Master and former taxi driver, Dominic O’Brien.

Relaxation through spiritual massage

The only way to relax is a hot bath, a bottle of Baileys and then a massage – if you don’t do these exact things, you are not really relaxed, you just think you are.

You must find someone to massage you who isn’t surprised at seeing you naked. Perhaps a parent can do it – or if you have someone in mind, send them a few photos of yourself without any clothes, so they can get used to what you look like and plan the massage accordingly. There’s no need to include your face in the photos. 

To receive a good massage, you need to know how to give a good massage. Practice by massaging any bits of your masseur you can reach while they are massaging you.

What you will need for spiritual massage:

• Massage glasses (while they might look similar, ordinary glasses smeared with lard won’t do).
• A volunteer, or bookshelf.
• Any kind of oil.
• A coal fire or power hose.
• A camera.
• Alcohol.
• A lawyer.
• Back hair removing cream.

The only rule for giving a good massage is to practice, constantly. Even someone with no arms can become gifted at massage if they practice on people who can’t get away. If you wait outside nightclubs, you will often find individuals who don’t mind if you grab them around the waist and start rubbing. Remember to pour plenty of cooking oil on to the areas you are going to massage, especially if they are wearing thick clothes. If you find strangers recoil when you touch them, you may have to be more cunning. Shop staff hand you change every day. Seize these opportunities to practise hand massage, before they manage to wriggle free or shout for help.

People who are particularly stressed get the most benefit from massage. If you know someone who has been recently bereaved, has been a victim of crime, or is having problems with their work or relationships, hide in their bed and surprise them in the night with an oily rub.

There are many different ways to give a massage. As ever, your imagination is the limit. Consider experimenting with hot coals straight out of the fire. As long as you press them into someone else’s skin quickly, they won’t burn your hands. With a modern power hose you may be able to massage a stranger from several hundred feet away, and you can even reach them through a car window or letter box. Remember, animals enjoy massages, too. If you see a cat looking uncertain as it picks its way along a wall, give it a firm water massage with a hose. A water massage on a hot day will cheer up any driver stuck in traffic with their window down, and a bottled water massage can be delivered from a rooftop at any time.

Befriending ghosts

Have you seen the news stories about the mysterious empty seating in the stadiums of supposedly sold-out Olympic events? Like a lot of people, you might be feeling confused – even outraged – having been refused tickets, only to turn on the TV to an apparently half-empty arena. Well, worry no more, because we can reveal that these seats are not empty at all. They are occupied by ghosts.

Making friends with ghosts

A ghost can be a very good friend: they can’t help you carry furniture like a real friend, but they can be good to talk to in pubs while you drink alone. Of course, no friendship is without risk, and it’s always possible that you might suffer the terrible horror of being ‘ghost-napped’ and imprisoned in the darkest corner of the spiritual realm for eternity, so always tell someone where you are going, before you agree to accept to go out drinking with a soul.

If you play your cards right with a ghost, the friendship might develop into a beautiful, yet complicated, “Gho-mance”. Dating a ghost is mainly a negative thing, but there are benefits that will save you time and money. Ghost girlfriends don’t mind dead flowers, and ghost boyfriends can urinate cleanly right through the closed toilet seat.

Show compassion

Despite the fact that many ghosts are exceedingly elderly, spirit passengers are frequently overlooked on public transport. When boarding a bus or train always push to the front and wait a few moments at the door to allow any ghost passengers to board. Remember they can be quite slow so don’t rush this, and try to do everything you can to prevent other passengers from pushing through and hurting the ghosts. When on public transport, place bags and other items on the seats to ensure that ghosts have space to sit down, even during busy times. You’ll soon make plenty of ghost friends, and fellow passengers will be really touched by your compassion. Similar help should be given in emergencies - it is your duty to hold back the living to allow your ghost friends to use fire escapes or lifeboats and pass to safety first. If you ever find yourself on a sinking ship, remember to always  send an empty life boat out first, so ghost passengers can sail to safety.

Tips for befriending ghosts

• Always keep your ghost friend happy by including it in conversations you have with your real friends. 
• Ghosts love dancing in public so remember to join in.
• Sometimes ghosts don’t hear you very well in crowded streets, so repeat what you want to say over and over again. 
• Let your ghost friend drive your car every now and then. Once the car is moving jump out and let it take over.
• Go rock climbing together. The ghost can safely hold any ropes while you climb down cliffs.
• Help your new friends carry their shopping by slipping it into your pockets as you walk around the supermarket.
• Just because your friends are ghosts, it doesn’t mean they don’t want to take part in Christmas. They are too shy to sit around the table for dinner, but leave some food behind the radiators and under floorboards. They will retrieve it and eat it in the spirit world.
• Particularly shy ghosts can hide in quiet, peaceful places such as children’s prams. When they are very relaxed, ghosts can sometimes become visible, much like at the end of the film ‘The Invisible Man’. If you find yourself near a pram in a café, or in the park, have a quick discreet look. You might just glimpse one under the covers!
• Ghost friends are excellent cooks, and enjoy fried breakfasts. Pure, un-lit gas is fine for them to cook with, so make sure you turn the gas on full before leaving for work in the morning.
• Some ghosts never got a chance to say “Goodbye”. Help them by looking concerned and saying “Goodbye” on their behalf to as many people as possible. A good place to meet large numbers of people is at the entrance to an airport.

Dreams

Most people forget their dreams or only remember certain parts of them, but mystics and witches can help by reading other people’s dreams while they sleep, recording everything that happens. As you enjoy a relaxed, carefree sleep in your own bed, we will lie beside you, quietly watching you with our eyes and hands. Your warm, lightly-clad dreaming body will yield every subconscious thought to us. Most witches don’t even charge for this service – another example of the lengths we will go to, to make the world a better place.

Once you are asleep the Dream Witch will wait until you enter what mystics call, the ‘Jumpy Eyelid Going’ part of sleep. Then, straddling your body with their legs to stop you rolling over, the Dream Witch will look deep into your mind and retrieve your dreams telepathically.

This dream was captured by an expert Dream Witch:

“I am in my garage trying to find a map. Suddenly something heavy is pushing against me, squashing me down. I find it harder to breathe. I hear a voice say, “Great! he’s starting to dream. Now, where’s my pen?”. I try to move but I am trapped. I am waking up.” 

The man in this dream obviously feels trapped by something; perhaps a job, or his mortgage. In this case the Dream Witch worked out that he felt trapped by his marriage. She based this on the nasty looks that she got from the man’s wife which lasted the whole night the Dream Witch was in bed with them. His wife obviously has serious trust issues to feel so threatened by a naked stranger straddling her husband’s chest. The husband wasn’t convinced by the Dream Witch’s diagnosis and insisted on another dream reading the next night. Sadly, his wife threw him out of the house before night time came around, and he now sleeps in his car. It’s unlikely we will ever find out the whole story of what his dream is about.

More facts about dreams

• A set of twins will sometimes have exactly the same dream. They can also have their own dream, or the dream of their twin. If they want, they can use their twin’s head to have dreams while they are awake.
• Left handed people’s dreams are back to front when viewed by a Dream Witch.
• If you wake up in the middle of a dream, then when you go back to sleep you will actually be awake. Perhaps you just did it now. 
• Sleep walkers are dreamers whose legs are still awake. No one really understands where sleep walkers are going, but they all seem to be heading in the direction of the sea. Perhaps they are trying to get to the lost city of Atlantis. You must help sleep walkers by driving them to the nearest port and leaving them there to continue their journey on boat. On no account should you wake them up while you do this.
• Everyone finds dreams fascinating. If you want to impress someone on a date, or really get someone’s attention at work, tell them everything you can remember about your last dream. Don’t leave any details out.
• There is some skepticism about mystical ‘dream catchers’, but they work very well for sex dreams. The problem may be that most people don’t strap them on tightly enough.

5 Essentials for Witch Survival Kit

Leave these things in your car at all times. Should you ever break down, the magic will help get you going again. If you do remain stuck, cleaning up the mess from all the magic will make the time fly until help arrives.

* Your spiritual wealth is reflected in your actual wealth by a ratio of 1:1. Always leave an expensive camera or computer on display on your car’s back seat as a sign of your spiritual wealth.

* Make poultices for your pedals out of rocks and herbs. Any herbs will do, they are all magical. Make sure the poultice is jammed under the brake pedal to give it extra stopping power in an emergency situation.

* GPS systems are notoriously unreliable. On a sunny day you can find out where you are much more accurately by looking directly at the sun through binoculars while you drive. If you want to stop for a break, a magnifying glass directed onto the sacred skin of an outstretched arm will bring forth a vision of your route.

* An effective compost toilet can be made out of petrol and straw. Fill your passenger foot well with these and you’ll never need to stop at a service station again. A mystical scented candle will make it smell even nicer, make sure it’s lit, and buried deep in the straw. The great thing about the car composter is that you can use it at when you’re parked in a petrol station forecourt or in a friend’s driveway, if their facilities aren’t up to scratch. Passers by will look on with envy.

* Witches do not need to eat but it’s worth putting a few Lion bars in the back just in case.