Mythical Creatures
Most mythical creatures exist somewhere in the world, and many are just waiting for you to befriend them.
THE GREEN MAN
The Green Man’s unkempt face can be seen carved into church ceilings all around Europe. Some things you may not have known about the Green Man:
- His face is made of leaves, even in the winter.
- He is the god of all trees and wood - mark your respect for him by putting tiny splinters of wood on seats.
- Not all green men are “green men”.
- Can be hard to spot but keep trying, all brown things contain several Green Men.
- You can attract him by putting ivy in your mouth and lying down in the rafters of a church.
- The Green Man can make you more creative if you break off a piece from his face, and burn it as incense while he watches.
- The green of the Green Man is caused by lichen but this comes off easily with warm, soapy water. Underneath he is a normal man like the rest of us.
MINOTAUR
The Minotaur is half bull and half man. Unlike some other mythical creatures his top half is animal, and his bottom half is man. Despite this he still has many female admirers. Most mythical animals go to the Mythical Animal branch of LA Fitness in Hendon at least twice a week to maintain their buff physiques and super strong power. No one can keep up with the Minotaurs, who use a specially designed machine to work on both their human and cow abs at the same time.
UNICORNS
Unicorns and maidens have long been associated with each other in mythology. It was said that the only person who could tame a unicorn was a young girl who had not been touched by a man. As a direct result, throughout history, many lesbians have become horse trainers. More unicorn facts:
- Unicorns appear on the UK coat of arms. While the lion represents bravery, the unicorn represents funfairs. The horn jutting forward from its head symbolises the pole on a merry-go-round; its gay prancing hooves the joy of an evening out in a park.
- Like many carnival folk, the unicorn is fiercely moral. Make sure you pay the correct fare when queueing to ride one.
- Unicorns love toffee apples. Push one onto the end of his horn for him to enjoy later.
- You can make a unicorn walk on its hind legs if you have a fishing rod and some candyfloss. This technique was practised by Medieval monks and you will see evidence of it on many tapestries.
- You can test your own virginity by seeing how close you can get to a unicorn. The nearer you can get, the more virginal you are.
- No one really understands why unicorns are so interested in virginity, when so few unicorns are virgins themselves.
- The horn of a unicorn can act as a lightning conductor, so be wary of patting one during a storm. Similarly beware of riding one beneath overhead power cables.
- Although the unicorn is the most beautiful of all creatures, its horn is usually covered in congealed blood, litter, hair and faeces.
DRAGONS
Unlike with unicorns, you don’t need to be a virgin to be able to handle dragons, although mysteriously most of the people who like dragons are virgins. Dragons are one of the most famous mythological animals, appearing in every culture of the world and sometimes on the news.
- Many dragons can fly, the smallest of these is the ‘dragon fly’.
- There are variations in dragon fashion: Chinese dragons usually have moustaches, unlike their clean shaven western counterparts.
- Dragons can materialise out of smoke. If you really want to see one, fill your kitchen with thick black smoke by burning some sofa cushions in the sink. They will be safe in the sink.
MERMAIDS
The idea that mermaids have beautiful skin and glossy hair, is of course wrong. A realmermaid has rough knotted mouldy hair covered with sand and seaweed. Her face is weathered and wrinkled by the harsh maritime conditions. Her lower ‘fish’ half is covered in barnacles. She smells like a barrel of rancid cooking oil dredged from the bottom of a canal. Now, the second anyone mentions that a mermaid is half a beautiful woman and half a fish, the same question pops into everyone’s head. The answer is yes, you can eat the tails of mermaids. Don’t eat the body though as that’s cannibalism and so is morally wrong. Throw the body part back into the sea.
If you should capture a live mermaid, be very careful when taking it back to your house. Mermaids, just like their fish friends, don’t have any feelings down there, so they are always shutting their tails in car doors. They’ll also slide onto the floor if their seatbelt isn’t done up for them.
Werewolves
- Most ‘werewolves’ people report nowadays are just dogs in trousers.
